^^^In this very building, beans, is where it all happened.^^^
Hello dudes and dudettes! Guess who’s been behind on WordPress and blogging and being decent in general???
I’m sorry, beans. I know haven’t been on WordPress as a blogger and reading all my friends blogs for a while. And my appearances have been spotty over the last few months. But the last four months have been hard. For me, for my family. We’ve experienced some devastating tragedies, bad illnesses, and deaths of loved ones.
It’s been a hard four months, beans. Could y’all pray for me and my family? We’d really appreciate it.
We’re not going to complain up here, beans. A Southern Belle is where we focus on positivity, laughter, some possibly insulting memes, me embarrassing myself on the Internet, and a slightly concerning obsession with Star Wars.
WHICH reminds me (it actually doesn’t but I had to figure out a way to put this in here) but I just revamped my Penny’s Scribbling page (which should be called Penny’s Painful Plots), in which I discuss my latest WIPs, edits, and most importantly, the whimsical plot bunny beans.
(Because everything is better when it’s just a plot bunny.)
Actually, the old projects have been removed because, I’m just going to be honest with you beans.
Here is the deep, solemn, and thoughtful truth.
They were junk.
They were. Every time I think about them I want to scream into an abyss of despair and tragedy for e’er and e’er.
And to the nine brave souls who actually participated in the last alpha read I had, I want to say, from the bottom of my heart,
I. AM. SO. SORRY.
I am. I truly am.
I didn’t like my old projects.
Harry didn’t like my old projects.
My neighbor’s dog Chance didn’t like my old projects.
But alas! There is always a new day, and new project, a New Hope. (#reference)
And I DO have new projects in the works, beans. Is that cool or is that cool?
And to tell the truth I am so excited. I have one project that we’ve talked a (semi) lot about up here and also another smol secretive project known as D.
I have discovered that one person had already found the page and smashed the like button with all the love they could have given it. (THANK YOU MEXMARR YOU ROCK!!!) But I would love if some of you beans would go up there and comment what you think about these smol project beans.
So if you really love me (you do) click HERE for the link to my new, revamped Penny’s Scribbling Page!!!
Ah, a nice, shiny, tol headline to attract traffic to that smol page. (#Don’tYouLoveMyAdvertising)
Great Scott! 444 words into this post and I haven’t even gotten to what the title of the post is about. #halp
*scrolls back up to the top of the editor to see what this post was originally about again*
OH yeah. The time a mummy almost killed me.
Or was it a native?
Then let me tell you the story…….
It was on a bright, sunny, melt-you-with-the-heat-alone day in Orlando, Florida some obscure day in August of 2018. #ThanksDadForGoingInAugust #WaitUntilAugustTheySaid #ThereWillBeLessCrowdsTheySaid
(Somehow the post the documented that trip was procrastinated six months and has still not been published yet. #ProcrastinationAtItsFinest)
Now, if you know anything about my family, we have a tradition of being obsessed with tourist traps.
If it weren’t for my mom (who does not understand our love for paying money to stand and be sweaty and hot all day) I would be six shades tanner, have endless walking endurance, have gone through 17,000 pairs of shoes, and would probably be totally broke.
But I love it nonetheless.
Take us to Orlando or Pigeon Forge and we will cry tears of macaroni and cheese and happiness.
Wonderworks? Been there.
Busch Gardens? They know our names.
King’s Dominion? We had season passes. F O R Y E A R S.
And I’m just scratching the surface of the places I’ve been and the things I’ve seen.
Anywho, t’was my idea that we should go to Universal Studios because in all our years of theme park and tourist traps, we had actually never been there. Which I saw as an immediate problem that needed solving.
So to Universal, we went. #reference2
And by golly we were having the time of our lives. We gallivanted around every section of that glorious tourist trap armed with churros, sunscreen, and an extremely disfigured park map.
All of Orlando, the whole world, really, was a bright and happy place to be.
Look how jubilant and cheerful I am. So joyous for someone who was going to be nearly murdered a mere few hours later.
The Orlando pigeons were singing. Children frolicked to and fro from Jurassic Park to Hogwarts without a care. I hadn’t been forced to take a whiff of a single armpit, even in the smack dab middle of tank top season. And the churros were crispy and the water was ice cold.
It was a good time to be alive.
That is, until we reached Skull Island: Reign Of Kong The Ride.
(I actually didn’t take this photo, but I like to pretend I did.)
Now if you know anything about me you know that my favorite part of any tourist trap is the RIDES. And I had quite intensely been awaiting the ones at Universal Studios, because they combine two of my favorite things about roller coasters and life in general: movies and dark rides.
For you peasants that don’t know what a dark ride is, it is a roller coaster that takes place indoors, generally with lots of flashing lights and special effects. They’re my favorite kind of rides, and the ones at Universal Studios are even better because they’re movie themed.
And for some unknown reason, I was really excited for the new shiny and tol Kong Ride. I’m not sure why I was so obsessed with that ride at the time. But I had been excited for to ride that ride for going on years now.
So when we finally graced the lands of Islands of Adventure (not to be confused with Universal Studios Theme Park; it’s their sister park, although I discovered that it was a truly confounding statement to some of the bystanders waiting for tickets: “Wait, this isn’t Universal Studios?”) of our third day in the trek of the jungle of Florida, and when I saw the large, foreboding building of the Skull Island, I said what could have possibly been the worst statement I ever yelled.
“Let’s go ride this now, Dad!”
And my dear father, who loves rides just as much as I do, and had entirely too much faith in the family friendliness of Universal Studios, replied back with equal excitement,
So me and my sister (who would betray me very soon) started ahead of my parents and little sister through the outdoor part of the line, which was empty. We skipped without a care through the outdoor heat, surrounded by lush jungles, beautiful fake birds, and some skulls impaled on spears.
Then, we had to go through the indoor part of the line.
I could already tell this was not going to be good. Firstly, I had only taken six steps inside of this indoor building and already I was nearly rendered sightless. It was so dark I couldn’t hardly see where the queue was even leading to.
Groping along dramatically, I wondered if the lighting would ever improve. I couldn’t see nary a thing! It was becoming dangerous. What should happen if I get lost, veer off the queue line, and get trapped with the roller coasters mechanical system, forcing me to live off of eating spare parts and making gorilla noises for a living? I couldn’t live that way! I was never meant for that life! I simply just could not live in darkness forever!
Then suddenly, right when all hope was nearly lost, I had a brilliant realization.
Perhaps, I should take off my sunglasses.
I don’t know, Dorothy. I don’t know.
Quickly whipping off my sunglasses (which I’m told make me resemble Ponch from CHiPs to an unfortunate degree) I hung them on my shirt and continued my journey through this queue line, which must have been about 56 miles long.
Since the day we went was not as busy as it could have been, most of this queue journey was not us standing and waiting. We were mainly wounding through the empty part of the queue to line up with the people who were at the end of the 56 mile long trek through this building.
This seemed like this would be to our advantage.
If you thought this, dear bean, you would be gravely mistaken.
Firstly, let me say here that even after I removed my offending sunglasses, it was still very dark. The builders of this ride attraction had gone through entirely too much trouble to make this queue look like an actual cave.
It smelled musty and wet, just like a cave. The walls looked like literal rock, carved right into a mountain.
Now, had darkness been my only problem, that may have not been so bad.
But this was unfortunately not just any cave.
Ominous, creepy music echoed through the halls. The only light that barely lit our path was a creepy orange glow.
And did I hear a scream every so often?
Then I could hear a voice.
I walked into the giant room that would on a busy day held many sweating cave goers, where a creepy witch doctor was muttering something extremely creepy and quite unintelligible.
And you literally have to go ^^THIS^^ close to it to keep going through the queue and continue your journey.
It was safe to say at the point I was perfectly and in every sense freaked out.
Contrary to popular belief, I am actually not a fan of creepy stuffs.
In fact, I don’t wike it at all.
Me no wike the creepy stuff.
You think walking through the house alone at night is creepy?
Try this place.
So it doesn’t take much to scare me. And this was a little more than “much”.
So at this point I really didn’t want to be here in this ride at all. I wanted to turn tail, running screaming “MOMMY!!!!!” and buy another churro and ride the Cat in the Hat merry-go-round instead.
But as much as I hate creep, I hated being a wimp even more.
My father did not raise a roller coaster wimp. So I had decided that I was going to get on this ride, enjoy the experience, and have fun whether I liked it or not. #DadsMotto
But I had to survive this queue first.
The only way I was going to make it through without fainting from fear was to run through this queue as fast as my trembling little legs would take me.
So run I did.
I started muscling through that queue like I was in 5k. It was every man for himself. I didn’t even take into account the fact that I had left my family behind about fifty feet. But I didn’t care. I needed to get through the low lighted death trap.
It was getting even scarier. Now we were in a narrow hallway that looked like a cave, except there were dead bodies lining the cave walls. #beautiful
Suddenly I heard my sister running up behind me.
“Hey!” she said, breathless. “Mom said to slow down because you’re moving too fast. She can’t go that fast when she can’t see.”
Was my mother crazy?! I was trying to survive! I had no time to “slow down” for my mother’s poor night vision.
“I ain’t slowing down!” I told my sister. “Tell them to hurry up.”
(Yes, I said this.)
I just kept my eye on the couple in front of me who were moving too fast for me to keep up with them. As the rounded the corner, I heard the woman’s boyfriend yell to scare his girlfriend.
Her scream ricocheted back to me, who was still on the other side of the corner (all alone), with those wonderful mummies staring me in the face. #beauty #blessed #InAwe
“How hilarious,” I managed to think, even in the midst of it all. “I guess if there was ever a place to scare someone, it would be here. I hope Dad doesn’t scare me.”
So as I rounded the corner, praying I could make it to the ride in one piece, suddenly I heard a brutish yell, and a mummy lunged out at me.
I turned and cowered into the corner, emitting a scream that reached about 185 decibels.
My sister saw this occur from a distance, and instead of rushing to help me fight off the evil mummy, turn around and ran screaming, “DAD!! DAD!!!!”
Leaving me all alone to fight off this mummy.
He was ugly.
He was angry.
He wanted to murder me.
Probably to add me to the fine collection of poor unfortunate souls (#reference3) that lined the wall of this oddly realistic fake cave.
As I crouched in the corner, unable to move away from him (I was told that all I did was practically sit on the floor fluttering my hands to my chest), he decided he, in fact, did not want to eat me, just today.
So with a deep frown,
(I SWEAR HE FROWNED AT ME), he leaned back into his little place into the wall, and I scrambled up and headed for parts unknown.
And my dad, being the heroic and kind man he was, proceeded to laugh his head off at the whole situation.
My sisters, on the other hand, did not find it so funny. They still had to go past that awful thing, and they were not looking forward to it.
Where was I, you ask? I had gotten past the mummy lined cave and was in the second part of the queue, which was more brightly lit and made to look like a science lab of sorts.
Yes, I had left my family behind to find that mummy for themselves.
Did I feel bad about this?
(Especially when I heard how my dad handled the situation.)
Should I have gone back?
Was I going to?
And possibly the worst part is, my family didn’t even get attacked by it when they walked through!!! The mummy was so polite and kind to them and didn’t even so much as make a smol grunt.
Now the reason I said that it was possible I was attacked by a native of Skull Island and not a mummy is because I was researching it last night and it was said that when the attraction first opened that Universal hired scareactors (yes that’s a word) dressed as natives to frighten poor, unsuspecting beans in the queue. They showed pictures of these actors, but honestly, they didn’t look like what jumped out at me on that fateful day at Universal Studio’s Island’s of Adventure.
Of course, it was very dark and sheer terror and fear can sometimes blur your memory a little. But I am still quite convinced that a mummy jumped out and scared me that day.
What happened afterwards, you are wondering. Well, with me shaking like the fragile little smol bean I am, we headed straight for the 3D ride, hopped on, and had a good time. (This is my family we’re talking about here.)
But it would be a long, long time before I could ever bring myself to ever erasing the memory of how I was nearly killed by a mummy/native at Universal Studios.
What did you think of that storytime? Has this ever happened to you? Do you know whether that thing at Universal Studios is a mummy or a native? Was I total wimp or was my fear understandable? Did you take time to see the new Penny’s Scribblings page? Did you like it?
Images from Giphy, Gifer, Tenor, Reaction GIFs, Touring Plans, and Unofficial Universal