WARNING: DO NOT ENTER THIS POST IF YOU ARE EASILY OFFENDED. Be prepared to have your most favorite books bashed and utterly destroyed by this peasant bean.
Well, howdy dudes and dudettes.
Yes, I’m already back.
You thought you could getaway until Tuesday too see me again.
I AM BACK.
Sorry, but you’ll just have to suffer through yet another post written by this crazy bean.
So, a couple of weeks ago, I was contacted by the sweet Julia and we came up with a collab idea that is gonna be so evilly fun.
We’re gonna talk about books we could have gone without reading.
I don’t usually like to bash books up here. (Because you know, #positivity)
But there are a few books I could have definitely gone without reading.
And today, we’re going to talk about them.
Samantha Sanderson: Without A Trace by Robin Caroll
I feel so horrible bashing this book. My grandma bought it for me as a CHRISTMAS PRESENT. (#WhatKindOfMonsterAmI)
I usually LOVE a good mystery. The danger, the intrigue. For lack of a better word, the BAM. But this one did not deliver what I wanted (or needed).
First and foremost, there was a creepy, there’s-always-someone-watching-you vibe. The whole story is about computers and stalkers and creepo stuffs and I’m going to be blatantly honest with the internet and say I had a hard time getting to sleep that night.
(FULL PENNY DISCLOSURE: It doesn’t take much to creep me out. The Cave Of Mirrors scene in The Last Jedi freaked me out to say the least. Like, checking-behind-my-shoulder-and-moving-to-a-couch-with-a wall-behind-it freaked out. That being said, it is not very hard to creep me out.)
Secondly, the mystery was dull and so were the characters. The MC, Sam, was your typical girl detective. A little rebellious, tons of friends, cool, smart, and such a modern not girly but yet very girly teenager that would often give you the sudden urge to punch her in the nose.
The mystery had no BAM. Just creep. Nothing was exciting. No heart pounding chases or scenes, just boring scene progression that was frustrating.
Now things are about to get dicey.
We’re about to talk trash about FAMOUS books.
And there shall be snark.
And fury, on your end.
From The Notebooks Of A Middle School Princess: Royal Wedding Disaster by Meg Cabot
“But Penny!” you cry. “So many people LOVE Meg Cabot and her books.”
Too bad I don’t.
I liked parts of this book. I liked the characters. It was interesting and funny.
But there were several things about the book that made me uncomfortable. And the book was kind of huge, you know.
All in all, it was just sort of, mmmeeeeehhhhh. I wished I hadn’t read it. Or my sister read it either.
Please don’t burn me at the stake. I can have my own opinion. (And if you’d like to bash me in the comments, go right ahead. But my pet griffin, Kevin, will eat you. He doesn’t like to see me get hurt.)
(YES I DO HAVE A PET GRIFFIN AND I WILL BE TAKING QUESTIONS ABOUT HIM IN THE COMMENTS IF YOU’D LIKE TO KNOW MORE.)
New Adventures of Mary-Kate and Ashley: The Case of the Blue-Ribbon Horse
Okay I know at this point you guys are all like this.
Put aside all your romantic notions of them.
AS AN AUTHOR, the books are lame. Plots are simple. Characters are flat. Even for a kids book, they’re horrible. Extra merch, is all that they are. Money gimmicks.
Okay I need to say something good before I get shot.
As a reader, for some strange reason, I’m addicted to bad books. Ones with awful plots and characters. I read them over and over again. (Kind of like people’s obsession with bad movies?)
This is either me comforting myself that there is someone out there that is worse at writing than me, or this explains why my writing could really use some work.
So ironically, this is actually a book I COULD NOT have gone without reading, because I love bad books. WHICH MEANS IT SHOULDN’T EVEN BE UP HERE ON THIS STINKING LIST!!!!
A Tale Of Two Cities by Charles Dickens
If Mary Kate and Ashley didn’t set you off, THIS CALLS FOR THE READER POLICE SQUAD.
*waits while I get tackled, handcuffed, beaten up, and thrown in my cell*
MIGHT I EXPLAIN WHY I FEEL SO MUCH HATRED FOR THIS BOOK.
I think I might hate this book as much as you guys hate me right now.
First and foremost, I was forced against my will to read this book. My 7th grade teacher (who also goes by her alibi of “Mom”) said I had to read A Tale Of Two Cities for my English.
Now, I love reading. But reading the classics have always been a drag for me. I just don’t like them.
*waits while everyone throws dead cats and tomatoes at me*
Secondly, the book is confusing. There is waaaayyyy to much going on and my poor, immature 7th grade mind could not hold it in correctly. I literally had to go look up the cliff notes for what was going on, because that book was certainly not telling me.
THIRDLY, the book is shockingly gruesome. I think it takes place during French Revolution (Don’t remember. Don’t know. Don’t care.), so there is a lot of violence. And some of it is uncalled for. There is literally one point where these people just take a random guy and start chopping off his arms and legs and throw him in a fountain or something. That totally freaked me out!
(And fourthly let me add here that the book is just way too long.)
(And fifthly let me add here that I was going to have a fifth book because I hated Black Beauty too, but I don’t want to put myself in harms way for fear of you tyrannical booksworms who have too much attachment to lame books.)
Aaaaaaaaaand that’s it for today’s collab (a.k.a., Penny’s long wild rant). Thank you so much Julia for contacting me and coming up with this awesome collab idea. I had SO MUCH fun!!
And you beans don’t forget to follow Julia on her blog too. It’s awesome!!!!
So what do you think? Do you agree with my dislike for these books? Or should I be prosecuted? Have you visited Julia’s blog? And is it cool that I have a pet griffin now????
All images and GIFs sourced through Gfycat, Giphy, Tenor, Meg Cabot, Amazon, Jalopnik, and Wikipedia